How to Forgive Your Partner
Marriage is a most beautiful and perplexing social construction. Simultaneously bringing out both the best and worst of humanity, the act of marriage combines a natural biological partnership and a legal contract. As time changes, people change with it. Children may enter the relationship, situations may be different, and a relationship that was perfect might seem to make less sense.
There is no panacea to cure all marital problems. There are some situations with which some people may never be content. Sometimes we are hasty with our words and we open wounds on one another that may never close. We may commit acts that cause irreversible harm to the fragile social bonds forming our most foundational relationships. But as you move forward, when presented with the option of forgiveness or resentment, forgiveness is the healthier choice. Forgiveness is not solely done to absolve the offender, although this is part of the act; forgiveness relieves the victim, allows him or her to release the weight of the offense.
Think of all the negative emotions we carry around as heavy, unnecessary baggage weighing down our souls. When we hold these emotions close to our hearts, we burden ourselves. The only way to truly release these emotions is through the act of forgiveness.
1. Get your thoughts in order
Woodstock counseling experts say that it may help you to write a letter to the offending party, whether they read the letter or not. The goal in this step is to figure out exactly what the offender did or is doing to you and exactly how that made or is making you feel. In some cases, this is obvious (such as blatant infidelity), but in other cases, the problem is less easy to identify and requires more contemplation. Perhaps you are not receiving the attention that you feel that you deserve from your partner. Perhaps they have grown cold and unresponsive to your presence. Maybe your partner or friend has undergone a lifestyle change that has left you feeling out in the cold. In either case, before proceeding to the next step, you should
identify exactly what is causing you to feel hurt.
2. Figure out what you want
Once you've determined exactly what is causing you to feel upset, you can determine what step or steps the injuring party can take to improve the situation. This is easier to do in some cases than in others. Perhaps if you're feeling neglected, you can request a weekly or bi-weekly date night. If you feel ignored, you can ask for an uninterrupted allotment of nightly face time, perhaps over dinner. If you can't figure out what you want, go back and get your thoughts in order.
If you don't know what you want you'll may never get it. Identifying actions that the injuring party can take will give them the opportunity to make amends and facilitate the forgiveness process; however, it is important that you make reasonable requests/demands. The farther you set your target, the less likely you are to hit it. Conversely, do not sell yourself short. If you've identified what will make you happy, you have a right to demand it from a partner, whether they are willing to acquiesce or not.
3. Talk with the offending party
According to
Algonquin counseling experts, you should ask the offender to speak with you one-on-one in an environment that is private and comfortable for both parties. Explain to the offender what they have done to hurt you. Express how the act made you feel and why this disappointed or upset you. Allow the offender to explain their position and respond to your statements. Be open to their ideas but be wary of deception, as many people lie to get themselves out of uncomfortable situations. After you have expressed your position and understood theirs, you should lay out your requests/demands. Inform the injuring party that, although you are hurt, you would like to forgive them and that if they are interested in mending the relationship, they can take the aforementioned actions.
Forgiving someone may not be easy
Some people find it extremely difficult to let go of pain and anger. They tend to be very strong people, capable of lugging around tremendous emotional baggage, because the burden of carrying these emotions requires far more strength than letting go of them. But remember,
forgiveness is a process that benefits the victim. You too can find your peace and happiness. You too can live your life again, just as soon as you put that baggage down and learn to forgive.
