Seven Signs That You May Need Marriage Counseling

A McHenry marriage counseling expert shares what he believes are indicators that a relationship may require the intervention of a counselor to regain a healthy emotional state a balance for both parties. 

7.  Growing Emotional Distance: typically the first sign that your relationship is headed for troubled waters is when the emotional distance between you and your partner increases.  Perhaps your partner is not verbally expressing their love for you as often as they once did.  Or maybe you find that your partner’s expressions of love no longer comfort you.  Annoyance with expressions of love is a sign of a growing emotional distance between you and your partner, and a growing emotional distance is an early indicator that your marriage or relationship may be in need of a counseling intervention. 

6.  Decreasing Interest: when two people love one another, they cannot help but to enjoy one another’s company.  Though everyone has different levels of interest (perhaps your partner never cared about what you ate for lunch), if you notice a sharp decline in you or your partner’s interest levels, then your relationship is losing its luster and intervention may be required to keep it healthy.  If your partner is not interested in hearing about important events that occur in your daily life, then your relationship is not in a positive state.  Similarly, if you find that you are no longer interested in hearing about major events that occur in your partner’s life, this clearly indicates a problem within the relationship that may require marriage counseling to resolve.

5.  Increasing Time Apart: as the emotional connection between you and your partner is weakened, it is likely that your relationship problems will begin to manifest themselves in your daily routines.  Perhaps your partner is no longer interested in taking the early morning or evening jog in which you both once partook.  Maybe you and your partner are no longer sharing mealtimes when you previously ate together regularly.  Maybe you used to share entertainment activities, like watching movies or reading books together, and now these activities occur with decreasing frequency.  It is important for you and your partner to share these daily rituals and that you both gain mutual enjoyment from these activities.  This is a sign of a healthy relationship.  Likewise, if your rituals have ceased or are beginning to cease, this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.  At this point your relationship may require marriage counseling or remediation to return to a healthy state.

4.  Lack of Intimacy: a healthy relationship has a level of intimacy that is comfortable for both partners.  Intimacy is expressed sexually, but it is also expressed without “going all the way.”  In other words, a healthy relationship will have kissing, hand holding, touching, as well as sexual gratification, and both partners should be satisfied with the efforts of the other in reaching a sensual harmony.  If either party is regularly being denied the intimacy that he or she may desire, this may lead to feelings of resentment.

3.  Feelings of Resentment: blaming your partner for a life choice that you made, cursing or insulting your partner in your thoughts, or being unconcerned with the whereabouts or wellbeing of your partner are more then warning signs that your relationship is troubled.  These behaviors are clear indicators that your relationship is moving from troubled to toxic.  If you notice that your partner has made a significant change in their attitude toward you, perhaps through a series of snide comments or by displaying a general disconcert toward your presence, he or she may be harboring feelings of resentment and your relationship is in need of some form of intervention less the toxicity increases, poisoning whatever love remains.  Feelings of resentment will typically require outside assistance or marriage counseling to resolve.

2.  Name Calling:  veiled resentment is bad enough, but when the beast emerges to rear its ugly head, your relationship has gone from toxic to radioactive.  In other words, if you or your partner actively and regularly engage in the practice of name calling or otherwise intentionally attempt to hurt one another’s feelings, the situation demands the intervention from an outside party.  There is only one stronger sign that your relationship will require the assistance of a marriage counselor…

1.  Total Breakdown of Communication: The only thing worse than name calling and open resentment is a total lack of communication.  Though fighting regularly is undesirable and a clear indication that a relationship is troubled, some expression is generally better than no expression.  In the course of a fight, however, hurtful comments may be hurled which cause one party to completely shut down.  These comments cannot be taken back as something burned will never regain its original composition.  But that does not mean that the relationship is necessarily dead.  If there is something exists that is worth saving, it can be saved, but there is no clearer sign that marriage counseling is required to save a relationship as when communication has ceased. 

Treating Addiction

Treating Addiction

Addiction can destroy your life.  Worse, addiction may cause you to destroy the lives of your loved ones and commit acts for which you may never forgive yourself.  There is no easy way off of a substance or act on which you’ve grown dependent, but continuing the cycle of abuse will only compound your problems and quitting will never get easier.  So, if you’re committed to improving the quality of your life, it’s time to put on your boots and begin the long march.  The best first step to engaging in any battle is to attempt to understand your enemy.

Addiction

Addiction can occur at both a mental and physical level.  A person may become mentally dependent on any substance or act (shopping, eating chocolate, smoking crack), but some substances may cause your body to become physically dependent on receiving that substance.  When a person is physically addicted to something, a change has occurred in the body at a cellular level and that change has caused the body to depend on receiving that chemical.  If the body does not receive that substance, then it may have violent physical reactions.  When the body withdraws from heroin, for example, the user may become horrifically sick.  Someone who is physically dependent on alcohol may die if they slowly remove the toxins from their system.  Physical addiction is a very serious problem that will require professional care to properly treat, but many addictions occur solely at a mental level, where dependency is manifested in the mind of the abuser.  But just because the addiction only occurs within the mind does not mean that mental addiction is easier to deal with than physical addiction.  Make no mistake: the mind can be startlingly powerful.  Mental addiction can last a lifetime if not confronted. 

Steps to Recovery

If your addiction is interfering with your ability to live a life with which you are at peace, then it’s time to improve the quality of your life.  Though it will not be easy, know that you, and only you, have the key.  There is no promise that you will ever be “cured” of your addiction, and the battle may last your whole life.  But isn’t your life worth fighting for? 

1. Recognize that you have a problem:  If the quality of your life is deteriorating because of your physical or mental dependency on a substance or act, it’s time to acknowledge that you have a problem.  Once you recognize this, you can begin treatment.
2. Find Help: McHenry counseling expert, Dan Blair, encourages you to seek professional help from someone trained to help you deal with your addiction.  But you will need more help then a counselor can provide.  It’s time to establish a social network free from your addiction.
3. Rebuild Your Life: You will need to reorganize your life in a way conducive to recovery.  If you have a set of friend with whom you engage in your addictive behavior, it’s time to find new friends.  While it may be difficult for you to leave certain people behind, it is worth the sacrifice to get your “old” self back.  Rebuilding your social network will take work, but finding this support network is a necessary step in your recovery.
4. Continue Treatment: Often times, addiction is our way of self medicating.  In other words, the addictive behavior may be a symptom of a deeper psychological problem.  Continuing treatment will not only reinforce your resolve to recover, but it may help you identify and confront the source of your addictive behavior.   

The road to recovery is not easy, but the first steps may be the hardest to take.  Remember, there was a time in your life when you were not addicted.  You can find your peace again.  The time to seek treatment is now.  Your life is worth fighting for.

Going to the Counselor for the First Time

Are you going to see your counselor or therapist for the first time?  Though no two counseling sessions are the same, and every office has different policies, this blog post will cover some of the standards procedures involved in going to the counselor the first time. 

Paperwork: The first time you go to see your counselor, mediator, or therapist, you should make sure that you arrive at least fifteen minutes before your scheduled appointment.  This is because you can expect about fifteen minutes worth of paperwork to complete.  This will include getting your insurance information in order (if you have insurance) and establishing your file.  Which brings us to the next thing that you can expect when you go to your first counseling session.


Extensive Background Questionnaire:  You can expect a lengthy background survey when you attend your first counseling session.  Some of the questions asked on these surveys may make you uncomfortable.  If you are uncomfortable responding on this document at your first appointment, don't.  While it is true that you are trying to establish open lines of communication between you and your therapist, this is your first appointment.  The goal of the first appointment is not to uncover the source of your problems and immediately address them.  The goal of your first counseling session is to get comfortable with your counselor.  Therefore, you should not do things that make you uncomfortable; that will come later.  Nonetheless, the information that you provide on the background questionnaire will help your counselor know more about you, and he or she needs to know about you if he or she is to ever help you, so share as much as you can.

A "Warming" Session: McHenry Counseling experts say "Don't expect any breakthroughs on your first appointment."  At your first counseling session, two things should be occurring.  First, you should be evaluating your counselor or therapist.  Is this a person with whom you will be comfortable sharing your feelings and inner-workings?  If your not feeling comfortable with this person, perhaps you should continue looking.  Secondly, that counselor or therapist will likely ask you questions about your background.  In particular, they will ask you questions about your family and your childhood.  It may take the entirety of your first session for him or her to gather your background and family history.  It may take longer.  But you should know that you are unlikely to stumble upon any breakthroughs in your first session.

Finding a counselor or therapist with whom you are comfortable may be an arduous task, but if you are not comfortable sharing with your counselor or therapist, then you are unlikely to find any solutions to your problems.  While it may be frustrating filling out more than one background questionnaire, finding happiness and inner-peace is worth the trouble.

How to Forgive

How to Forgive Your Partner

Marriage is a most beautiful and perplexing social construction.  Simultaneously bringing out both the best and worst of humanity, the act of marriage combines a natural biological partnership and a legal contract.  As time changes, people change with it.  Children may enter the relationship, situations may be different, and a relationship that was perfect might seem to make less sense.   There is no panacea to cure all marital problems.  There are some situations with which some people may never be content.  Sometimes we are hasty with our words and we open wounds on one another that may never close.  We may commit acts that cause irreversible harm to the fragile social bonds forming our most foundational relationships.  But as you move forward, when presented with the option of forgiveness or resentment, forgiveness is the healthier choice.  Forgiveness is not solely done to absolve the offender, although this is part of the act; forgiveness relieves the victim, allows him or her to release the weight of the offense.  Think of all the negative emotions we carry around as heavy, unnecessary baggage weighing down our souls.  When we hold these emotions close to our hearts, we burden ourselves.  The only way to truly release these emotions is through the act of forgiveness.

1. Get your thoughts in order

Woodstock counseling experts say that it may help you to write a letter to the offending party, whether they read the letter or not.  The goal in this step is to figure out exactly what the offender did or is doing to you and exactly how that made or is making you feel.  In some cases, this is obvious (such as blatant infidelity), but in other cases, the problem is less easy to identify and requires more contemplation.  Perhaps you are not receiving the attention that you feel that you deserve from your partner.  Perhaps they have grown cold and unresponsive to your presence.  Maybe your partner or friend has undergone a lifestyle change that has left you feeling out in the cold.  In either case, before proceeding to the next step, you should identify exactly what is causing you to feel hurt.

2. Figure out what you want

Once you've determined exactly what is causing you to feel upset, you can determine what step or steps the injuring party can take to improve the situation.  This is easier to do in some cases than in others.  Perhaps if you're feeling neglected, you can request a weekly or bi-weekly date night.  If you feel ignored, you can ask for an uninterrupted allotment of nightly face time, perhaps over dinner.  If you can't figure out what you want, go back and get your thoughts in order.  If you don't know what you want you'll may never get it.  Identifying actions that the injuring party can take will give them the opportunity to make amends and facilitate the forgiveness process; however, it is important that you make reasonable requests/demands.  The farther you set your target, the less likely you are to hit it.  Conversely, do not sell yourself short.  If you've identified what will make you happy, you have a right to demand it from a partner, whether they are willing to acquiesce or not.

3. Talk with the offending party

According to Algonquin counseling experts, you should ask the offender to speak with you one-on-one in an environment that is private and comfortable for both parties.  Explain to the offender what they have done to hurt you.  Express how the act made you feel and why this disappointed or upset you.  Allow the offender to explain their position and respond to your statements.  Be open to their ideas but be wary of deception, as many people lie to get themselves out of uncomfortable situations.  After you have expressed your position and understood theirs, you should lay out your requests/demands.  Inform the injuring party that, although you are hurt, you would like to forgive them and that if they are interested in mending the relationship, they can take the aforementioned actions. 

Forgiving someone may not be easy

Some people find it extremely difficult to let go of pain and anger.  They tend to be very strong people, capable of lugging around tremendous emotional baggage, because the burden of carrying these emotions requires far more strength than letting go of them.  But remember, forgiveness is a process that benefits the victim.  You too can find your peace and happiness.  You too can live your life again, just as soon as you put that baggage down and learn to forgive.